Yo. Here is the second state of the nation address from Korea. Enjoy. Lot of anti-canadian sentiment, you'll forgive me Fenton, but I was living with a man who was a discredit to his race. Happy birthdays to those people in Korea: Lois, Caleb, Patrick and Simon. And that guy in Marin, Zach.

Seoul Brother #1

Sorry it's been so long, lot's of exciting new things going on, I haven't really had a chance put it all together in writing yet, but I'll try to give you the highlights of the past couple of weeks without too much boring stuff. Thanks also to everyone who has written me, you all rock collectively.

1. So I understand that Republicans have overrun the house and possibly the senate. This means very little to me. All I know is that Canada still sucks. Flapheads is my new slur of choice for our pasty northern brethren.

2. Korea is pretty cool. I like my situation, my job is a little monotonous, but it's different, it pays the bills, and I get to arm wrestle with little kids. Is there any greater pleasure? I think not. Although my school is a breeding ground for germs (and by germs I mean children), I have yet to don the hazardous material suit which was issued to me on my first day, though the thought has crossed my mind. With crazy Asian viruses blowing in from the Chinese desert every minute, precautions must be taken.

3. Had a chance to visit Seoul last weekend to see what all the hype was about (incidentally I am now one of the precious few Caucasians to have ridden the Seoul train). Don't believe it (the hype that is). The city is pretty cool I am sure, but I wouldn't know much about that since I spent most of my time at Lotte World, the destitute man's Disneyland. Copyright infringement is all the rage in Korea. Lotte World features the Disney castle logo, numerous pictures of Disney characters, most notably merchandise showcasing slightly modified versions of Aladdin, Ariel and Snow White. Also there is a store entirely dedicated to bootlegged Snoopy accessories. Charles Schultz is turning over in his grave, and Walt Disney in his cryogenic chamber I am sure. Lotte World was a bust, but it was entirely located indoors, which was pretty crazy. I did enjoy their version of the Disneyland night parade, but only because the dancers representing Spain, who looked suspiciously Korean, actually grabbed a baby from the crowd and passed her around amongst each other. While the audience oohed and ahhed I gasped loudly and demanded that they return the baby to its rightful owner immediately. Also fantastic was a Britney Spears impersonator thrilling the masses with a lip-synched version of Unprotected. Insert your own lip-synching joke here, I’m drawing a blank.

4. Karaoke or Norebong ( as in “dude, let’s go hit the norebong after we eat this squid”)
Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it, but it is admittedly much more compelling when you’re plastered. Which I was, and plan to be the next time I subject people to my tone deafery. American songs which bring down the house: Anything really by Backstreet, NSYNC, and Britney. Classic Rock: Anything by Bon Jovi, the Winds of Change by the Scorpions is a tearjerker, old school Guns n Roses. Does anybody remember that Nordic duo Roxette? It could’ve been love, but its over now. Ice, Ice Baby. Timeless. Truly the Koreans have co-opted only the crème-de-la-crème of American Pop.

5. Next time someone chastises you for mocking the alleged stereotype of Asians eating dog, give them a swift judo chop to the ribs. There are canines being consumed here every day. For just 30 cents a month, you can prevent another Rin Tin Tin from being fricasseed and marinated in sweet, sweet soy sauce. They do eat dogs here. Only big ones they assured me, the small ones they dress up and treat like furry children. I’ve seen stores which tailor sweaters to fit your tiny, tiny pet. Also, people dye their dogs’ floppy, floppy ears silly, silly colors like orange and pink, I have seen this first hand. I have never seen animals objectified so gratuitously… except everyday when I look caricatures of happy, happy livestock beckoning me to sup upon their tender, tender flesh. I’m a big, big fan of the double modifiers these days.

6. For the most part, I fluctuate between two trains of thought while walking the streets. Either I get really freaked out about the way people are staring at me, especially on the subway, or I embrace how different I appear to the native peoples. When I am feeling the latter, I often smile and wave at people who are incredibly indiscreet in their rubbernecking. In my neighborhood, many of my students often yell out “Teacher! Teacher!” when they see me. This is kind of fun. One day, drunk on my own inflated sense of local celebrity, I waved to small child staring at me from a bus window. He seemed enthused and motioned for his friends to look at the window and see this friendly, bearded Migukan (“American” in Korean. How ironic that their word for us involves the word gook). I waved again. This time the children smiled and in unison flicked me off, all the while grinning contentedly. What a country.

7. Finally, I was taken against my will to an all male nude sauna by my boss. I do not know how I can fully articulate the profound oddity of this experience, but surely I will try. I know, I know: Squirrelmaster ain’t always going to be around to protect me, and why do my misadventures always take a turn for the homoerotic? A question for another time, I suppose. Anyway, after climbing the tallest peak of the Apsan mountains with my portly, portly roommate and my friendly, friendly boss and his two children, and after enjoying a steaming bowl of Oxbone soup (which is much better than it sounds), it was decided that the “mogotan” (sauna) was in order. Immediately upon entering the nudity began. There was no escaping it. I can still see it: small hairless bodies mentally undressing me with every step I took, until I physically undressed, and then the staring began in earnest. I sat at my locker, debating the final transition from boxers to shameful, shameful nudity, when my boss popped out in front of me, wearing nothing but his thick, thick bifocals. “Is anything wrong, Andy-roo?” He inquired kindly. “Nothing, nothing at all Mr. Cho,” Except that everybody seems to be naked, including me! For the love of god, maintain eye contact. All of a sudden, sons 1 and 2 appeared alongside their father, flanking their progenitor in some sort of pagan celebration of the human form. I have to teach these children, I screamed inside my head, and now I’ve seen their lithe, nubile young frames cavorting willy-nilly amongst the sweaty masses of Asian elders. I needed that memory erasing ray from Men In Black more than ever. Fresh Prince, Tommy Lee, why have you forsaken me?!

I must admit, the only thing keeping me comfortable was how uncomfortable my roommate was acting. He stammered that he wanted to keep his underwear on, and that he just wanted to use the steam room and then take a nap. “Stupid Flapheads,” I laughed inwardly, in a blatant attempt to project my insecurities upon him, “totally unprepared for hardcore male nudity. Typical” Anyway, being in the sauna was like giving carte blanche to the Koreans to stare at me. There were no awkward turned heads when I looked up here, people just set up shop and found a good spot to observe me. I’d like to think it was because of my generous proportions, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it was my hairy exterior which invited the most attention. What do you Koreans want from me? I’m just like you except completely different. Can you really reproach me because of my hirsute build? The answer is unequivocally yes. The aesthetics of this country are extremely rigid: physical beauty need be beardless, hairless, alarmingly thin and unpierced if you are a boy. I think I fit in just fine. The last image of the sauna that I will relate is truly awesome. There are individual showering stations alongside the steambaths. Here one can lather themselves up, shave, brush their teeth, shampoo all while sitting down and staring at hairy Americans. Occasionally the Koreans will line up back to back and scrub each other’s backs and lather up those hard to reach areas for each other. Not to compare this scene to nature video, but here I go: This is almost identical to footage of chimpanzees grooming each other in the wild. The only difference is that the Koreans don’t eat the bugs they find on each other’s backs. Or do they? Unfortunately, I don’t think I will research this any further, but who knows: anything for the sake of science.